oh, ada

at fourteen i made this promise… i have done well so far right? aha.

“I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.” 

you know when you find a song that completely represents how you feel… this it. not even just with one situation.

Days like this I want to drive awayPack my bags and watch your shadow fade‘Cause you chewed me up and spit me outLike I was poison in your mouthYou took my light, you drained me downThat was then and this is nowNow look at me
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThrow your sticks and stonesThrow your bombs and your blowsBut you’re not gonna break my soulThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
I just wanna throw my phone awayFind out who is really there for me‘Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheapWas always tearing at the seamsI fell deep and you let me drownBut that was then and this is nowNow look at me
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThrow your sticks and stonesThrow your bombs and your blowsBut you’re not gonna break my soulThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Now look at me, I’m sparklingA firework, a dancing flameYou won’t ever put me out againI’m glowing, oh woah ohYou can keep the dog from meI never liked him anywayIn fact you can keep everythingYeah, yeahExcept for me
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThrow your sticks and stonesThrow your bombs and your blowsBut you’re not gonna break my soulThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, noThrow your sticks and stonesThrow your bombs and your blowsBut you’re not gonna break my soulThis is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

i’ve forgotten how good it could be to feel alive.”

i really need to sort all of this out and get out of my head. it’s funny how everything can fall apart all in one go. it’s just so hard and i’m trying to get the balance between creating my own happiness and not running away and giving up.

“take the pieces and build them skywards.”

so far, i seem to be doing nothing other than stressing myself out. “SOLUTIONS - NOT PROBLEMS”. and it’s me who’s making me feel stressed out ultimately. i could just chill out, but i find it seriously hard to let go. you’d think chilling out at home planning your life would be relaxing but its stressful. i do not want to turn 20. i want to cry about that. it’s a horrible thought not being a teenager anymore. 

what seems to shock me is that i cannot control everything around me, which should be pretty much a given but i seem to be shocked by that every time things become slightly out of control. 

what i need is to feel strong and confident in myself. and i feel some new years resolutions coming along. 

i need this year to:

- lose weight. (just get properly healthy again)

- cut down on smoking.

- sort out my finances

- WORRY LESS

- hang out with people who really make me smile

- be strong and confident in who i am.

it’s funny really, every year we enter a ‘new year’ expecting everything to be completely different… but it never really is. i left the year with a plethora of issues, stresses and uni work looming over me, and new year came, and those were still there. my issues have resolved themselves greatly since the start of the new year but i am learning to worry a lot less and try not to concern myself with how people will receive me and my actions as long as i am doing nothing drastic to hurt people of course!

sometimes we all feel like we need a fresh start and for a drastic change, but maybe the right thing to do is simply improve of what you do have. not run away, not throw everything away but instead to make the most of what you have and improve it to how you want it to be as ultimately - you are in charge of making your life positive and what you want it to be. not the situation, not anyone else… just you. 

this is my new mantra for the new year :)